Category: dear reader
To my reader with love
Happy Valentine’s Day, dearest reader.
I’m not so intellectually evolved as to be able to entirely dismiss the hulking specter that is Valentine’s Day as a mere contrivance of capitalist marketing. It’s a day that makes a lot of people—single and paired-off alike—feel bad about things that they don’t feel quite as bad about on February 12th or 15th. I had written you a juicy, long post about my most over- and underwhelming Valentine’s Days of yore. It involved red Mylar heart-shaped balloons, a horse-and-carriage ride, a handful of supermarket bouquets, some Kundera books, and watching my date get stoned in the Whole Foods parking lot. I read it over this morning and realized that it is best left filed in the ever-growing stack of things I’ve labeled Overshare. It’s not that I’m really opposed to the practice of oversharing, as I’m sure you well know. But self-analysis can get dicey if you practice it too often, especially if you do it with the idea of producing a narrative arc. Sometimes I worry that I am beginning to be like Mrs. Witt in D. H. Lawrence’s novella St. Mawr. I think ole David Herbert got something really right about a personality type when he described her as such:
Lou shrank away. She was beginning to be afraid of her mother’s insatiable curiosity, that always looked for the snake under the flowers. Or rather, the maggots. Always this same morbid curiosity in other people and their doings, their privacies, their dirty linen. Always this air of alertness for personal happenings, personalities, personalities, personalities. Always this subtle criticism and appraisal of other people, this analysis of other people’s motives. If anatomy pre-supposes a corpse, then psychology pre-supposes a world of corpses. Personalities, which means personal criticism and analysis, pre-supposes a whole world-laboratory of human psyches waiting to be vivisected. If you cut a thing up, of course it will smell. Hence, nothing raises such an infernal stink, at last, as human psychology.
Yes, of course. When they are severed open, my past Valentine’s Days stink of corniness and mawkish expectations. But I realized this morning that all those poor gents that spent this silly holiday with yours truly deserve better than to have their histories splayed out on the internets for the sake of a laugh. Well, all of them except the Whole Foods guy. He joked that I was lucky to have an “almost-date” with him to the grocery store, fixed me a frozen pizza, and passed out blackout drunk on strawberry-flavored sparkling wine on my couch by 6 p.m. Face-down. Feel free to remind yourself of that if you find yourself on a less-than-remarkable date today. You’re welcome.
At any rate, while I’m not a big fan of this holiday, I’m definitely a big fan of you. I hope your day is lovely. Thanks for stopping by.
Remnants
A inspected the blog line graph yesterday and noted that as soon as I started writing about him, my readership plummeted. I suggested that this is because nobody wants to read about a do-gooder humanitarian. We agreed that it would probably be best for the blog if I invented a rockstar named Z with whom I can conduct a steamy affair. I worried for a moment that focusing my energy on recounting the various occasions in which Z has done blow off of my naked body before ravaging me in a public restroom might detract from the main purpose of this blog, namely writing about brunch. But A assures me that rockstars are very good at going to brunch. In fact, A insists that rockstars survive entirely on brunch and appetizers. I didn’t realize how well acclimated I was to the rockstar lifestyle! Yesterday I ate a lovely brunch, a plate of charcuterie for dinner, and a bag of hot wings at 3 a.m. Bring me some leather pants. I’m ready.
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Two nights ago I went to a screening at the Centre Pompidou of Chantal Akerman’s documentary about the German choreographer Pina Bausch, Un jour Pina a demandé, followed by a production Bausch’s 1984 Barbe-Bleue. I’d like to write something semi-articulate about it because it moved me very deeply, but I am coming up against the sense that I lack an adequate vocabulary to speak about dance, or at least this particular type of work. This frustrates me immensely because I feel like I’m dissolving into someone who is moved by everything and has nothing to say about anything. Bausch’s couples in particular dismantled me. This will surely make me sound like a philistine, but I had no idea that such a nuanced version of intersubjectivity could be evoked by dance. Bausch’s work makes shared affect viscerally physical. I kept thinking about this passage in Judith Butler’s Undoing Gender that always makes me weep:
Let’s face it. We’re undone by each other. And if we’re not, we’re missing something. If this seems so clearly the case with grief, it is only because it was already the case with desire. One does not always stay intact. It may be that one wants to, or does, but it may also be that despite one’s best efforts, one is undone, in the face of the other, by the touch, by the scent, by the feel, by the prospect of the touch, by the memory of the feel. And so when we speak about my sexuality or my gender, as we do (and as we must), we mean something complicated by it. Neither of these is precisely a possession, but both are to be understood as modes of being dispossessed, ways of being for another, or, indeed, by virtue of another.
There is a lousy video on youtube of the production of Barbe-Bleue:
Or we could just take this outside
So we were sitting at Han Lim tonight filling ourselves with spicy goodness and I found myself mildly bummed out that we hadn’t tried a new restaurant, not because I don’t like Han Lim, but because I’ve already blogged about it. I was the one that suggested we get Korean food in the first place and shot down another option, making my disappointment especially absurd. And then it became apparent that nobody really wanted to see Eric Rohmer’s Le Beau Mariage at La Filmothèque du Quartier Latin after dinner. M was tired. B asked what the movie was about and I said “I don’t know, French people coupling or something,” and he made a nauseous face. I was bummed about that too, not because I even really wanted to see the movie, but because I haven’t blogged about La Filmothèque yet and wanted to take some photos. Then I realized that I was already writing my blog entry in my head and barely making proper conversation with the two people daft enough to hang out with me on a regular basis. The little conversation I was making was like “bloggity blog blog blog and did I mention my blarg…” And suddenly I thought, whoa Nelly, slow this train down. I’m sorry, B and M, that I’ve been bad live company this week. As my mother said in the comment section, I am like a tick, once I get hold of something, I will not release. A charming personality trait if there ever was one. You two deserve a better dinner companion.
I was also consumed with how I would respond to an anonymous interloper who tried to post a nasty comment about my entry about Accattone, something about how state funding for small, independent movie theatres that show Pasolini films is symptomatic of everything that is wrong with France. There was also something there about my taste in movies. I was flabbergasted that someone I don’t know could even find this blog. What, were they Googling “something nice about Paris” just so they could shit on it? Five bucks says angry anonymous reader is an expat about two months of bureaucratic hell into his stay in France and he has been alternately begging, swearing, and crying on the phone with France Telecom all day trying to figure out how to get his internet set up and he is now ready to burn the whole country to the ground. Or maybe he moved into a recently renovated apartment and he hasn’t had hot water for two months and he has just taken the coldest shower of his entire life, like so cold that his goosebumps are purple and have tiny goosebumps of their very own, but the contractor has mysteriously disappeared into his Eastern European homeland and just won’t call our angry reader back, even though he has left thirteen messages and offered sexual favors in exchange for help with his boiler. Believe me, angry reader, I know what you are going through. I’m sure you’ve reached the point where you can’t imagine eating another crêpe ever again. But this will pass. Eventually you will have hot water, internet, and a nice kebab place to break up the crêpe doldrums, and this whole phase will seem like a bad dream. But you can’t go posting nasty things on somebody else’s website just because you are having a tough time. Get your own blog! They’re free! I’ll link to you on my sidebar!
I wanted to refute him more articulately, however, so I started researching the French laws that undergird the funding of such enterprises as Accattone and La Filmothèque, both of which are what is formally known as a Cinéma Art et Essai. As a Cinéma Art et Essai, programming must conform to general criteria to qualify for state funding, determined by a national commission composed of people from governmental agencies of finance, culture, and youth, as well as theatre owners, film producers, distributors, directors, and critics. The guidelines that they lay down for programming decisions are laughably broad, from “depicting a way of life not readily witnessed in France” to “potentially enhanced viewing on the big screen.” I can’t think of too many movies that aren’t better viewed on a big screen. In that regard, one might even be able to make a case for The Fast and the Furious as an art film. But these guidelines should be broad, because they allow for independent theatres to approach their programming as a creative act, one that stages a conversation between films from many different genres and eras, not just the rapid-fire commercial schedule that theatres are forced to keep in the United States to keep their heads above water financially. Look, I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on this, nor am I going to argue that the French system is perfect (knowing French bureaucracy, it isn’t). But the point is that many of these cinémas would be in the red without state intervention. In funding these spaces, a variety of French entities, both public and private, are saying that both sensitive film curatorship as well as public access to a diverse range of cinematographic forms are a cultural priority.
I think that we could take a serious cue from that in the United States, especially on a medium that is perhaps most our most definitive and impressive cultural production. I don’t want to turn this into a nationalist argument, but it’s a sad state of affairs that in Paris one can readily watch classic American films that are unavailable in most communities, hell, even most large cities in the United States. It is a truly American oddity that so much money is spent on the production of movies with little to no funding to make the history and avant-garde of that medium available to the public. And, angry reader, should you want to chastise me about the economy and all of things on which money might be better spent besides art and culture and cupcakes, I want to remind you that Avatar has already made like a hundred gagillion dollars. I won’t even argue that we need to devote public funds to such an endeavor. Frankly, I’m rather sick of watching Hollywood movies that are little more than a pastiched homage to niche film genres and listening to their directors wax poetic about how they are scholars of underappreciated and underviewed cinemas (we all know who I’m talking about). I wish that they would put their money, or at least a small percentage of their hundred gagillion dollars, where their mouths are, rather than merely funneling it into another lurching spectacle destined to have no more mark on cinema history than in the sheer vertigo induced by its bottom line.
And finally, angry reader, stop fighting it and just go ahead and take yourself to Sunday night Salò. Trust me, you’ll feel better in the morning.
Dearest reader
Have I mentioned yet how excellent it is that you are coming here? Really truly, you’ve made my week. My mom promises me that she is only clicking on my blog once a day, and even if “once” is actually code for “a dozen or so times,” the math still suggests that other people are actually coming here. And by the math I mean the WordPress generated stats, and whoa, are they hella addictive. Everyone should get a blog if only so they can have a line graph of their relative popularity to consult on an hourly basis. Or not, if you have a job or some other frivolous outlet for your time like that.
Rereading that paragraph, I want to ask: is “hella” still okay if dripping with ironic distance? No? I don’t want to alienate you, dear reader, whomever you are! If you don’t like “hella,” I won’t use it. This is a cheerocracy and I take your thoughts on slang seriously. Not so into Bring It On references either? Well, dear reader, now you are starting to cramp my style. Just kidding. I won’t use “hella” or reference teen comedies if it bothers you. But “heaving”? Have you jumped on “heaving” yet? If you haven’t, I suspect that part of the problem is that you don’t know personally the delightful individual from whence this little gem sprung. The key is her high-pitched inflection on the first syllable. It seriously kills me. Maybe I can upload an audio file? That sounds like it might be difficult. Perhaps a list of sample sentences to demonstrate how you could incorporate “heaving” into your daily life? Or you could submit your own! Look, I know it’s waaay too early in our relationship for me to be making demands of you, dear reader. You’ve barely decided if you like me yet! You’re probably just here because you fear slander! But it would mean a lot to me if you tried on “heaving” for size. It’s multipurpose, gender-neutral, and British but not affected. How often does something like that come into your life? You should thank me.
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Those of you in the know might recognize this beseeching “dear reader” from one of my very favorite books that I would never recommend to you, D. H. Lawrence’s 1921 and 1922 screeds against psychoanalysis Psychoanalysis and the Unconscious and Fantasia of the Unconscious. Lawrence spends a lot of time in this very bizarre mode of address to his “dear readers,” whom he largely loathes but nevertheless requires as an audience. He’s a jerk, and it’s one of his jerkiest pieces of writing, and I fully understand that virtually no one is as interested in psychoanalysis AND jerks as I am. However, if my blithe self-description as a Freudian makes you a wee bit uncomfortable, you might really like it:
With dilated hearts we watched Freud disappearing into the cavern of darkness, which is sleep and unconsciousness to us, darkness which issues in the foam of all our day’s consciousness. He was making for the origins. We watched his ideal candle flutter and go small. Then we waited, as men do wait, always expecting the wonder of wonders. He came back with dreams to sell. But sweet heaven, what merchandise! What dreams, dear heart! What was there in the cave? Alas we ever looked! Nothing but a huge slimy serpent of sex, and heaps of excrement, and a myriad repulsive little horrors spawned between sex and excrement!
I mean, I get it. Not everybody is as interested in the convergence of sex and excrement as I am. Or maybe you are just uncomfortable with the vulgar Freudianism that results in a Jersey Shore-style culture of hyper-sexuality and self-promotion (“Everything comes back to sex anyway, so take look at my tits!!!):
If it is a question of origins, the origin is always the same, whatever we say about it. So is the cause. Let it be a comfort to us. If we want to talk about God, well, we can please ourselves. God has been talked about quite a lot, and He doesn’t seem to mind. Why we should take it so personally is a problem. Likewise if we wish to have a tea party with the atom, let us: or with the wriggling little unit of energy, or the ether, or the Libido, or the Élan Vital, or any other Cause. Only don’t let us have sex for tea. We’ve all got too much of it under the table; and really, for my part, I prefer to keep mine there, no matter what Freudians say about me. But it is tiring to go to any more tea parties with the Origin, or the Cause, or even the Lord. Let us pronounce the mystic Om, from the pit of the stomach, and proceed.
Oh, David Herbert, I love you. Even when you punch me in the face, you never fail to make nice a little later on. Let’s hang out always. Om.
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Finally, more fan mail! Just kidding. However, one M. Starik remarks: “I don’t mind you using my photos, but does it always have to be in context of the entries tagged barf, solipsism, or funk?” Point taken, M. Starik. Your photographs and general bearing in the world in no way reflect these pitiful categories. From now on, I’ll try to incorporate your work (and the accompanying adjective game!) into more cheerful entries. Forgive me, divine Miss M. You really are the wind beneath my wings.
Nobody wants to read your blog
I’m overcome with the urge to tag every single entry as “barf” and call it a day.
I sent out a few e-mails out yesterday publicizing this place to friends. It felt really yucky, like I was parading around my dirty laundry. To add insult to injury, I managed to write the wrong blog address on not only the initial e-mail, but the also the SECOND e-mail I sent out to remedy the first one. As a Freudian, I decided that two times made this a meaningful error. Also by that point I was far too ashamed to send out a third e-mail directing people to a blog they likely have no interest in reading. In addition to being a malignant narcissist, I’m an entirely ineffective self-promoter. What a combination!
So, if you made it here and it wasn’t particularly easy on account of all the misdirection, thanks. Seriously. I’ll try extra-hard to keep you entertained.
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About a year ago I scoffed pretty hard at a Style Section article about Seasonal Affective Disorder. A+ for a culture that produces acronyms that makes more sense than the names of the diseases they abbreviate! It was easy to scoff at home UV lamps, of course, from my warm little existence in Orange County. You know, that place where it rains like once or twice a year and everyone scampers around in flip flops and glorified sweatsuits? Cut to the present day and man, oh man, am I sick and tired of this grey, rainy weather. I’m tired of wet shoes, carrying around an umbrella, the smell of wet wool on the métro, and this half-assed version of “daylight” that begins sometime mid-morning and ends before 5 p.m. You might even say it’s making me SAD!
Puns are certainly the lowest form of humor.
I was kvetching about this (the lack of sunlight, not puns) with some friends and a Londoner said that he didn’t know what to make of my complaints. “I like to be my own little ray of sunshine,” he impishly declared. I feel sheepish at my total lack of that particular varietal of self-sufficiency. I’m officially one of those people ruined by California, the ones who complain when it is anything less than sixty degrees and sunny.
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Someone who had held out for a long time on joining Facebook got on the boat last week. He suddenly appeared on my radar with dozens of friends and a readymade knack for the clever status update. I was disappointed to see that he disappeared after three days. I sent him a standard “quitter or defriender?” query. He wrote back to say that he had realized how toxic the place is for things like “productivity” and “sanity” and he wisely decided to depart before things got too serious. Oh, to go back to the time when things weren’t too serious between me and FB, as I hear the kids are calling it these days. To be able to depart before things got too complicated! Lemme tell you what, I’d sure like to be the dump-er in that scenario. If only there was a way to say to a social networking device: Look, I’m really sorry. It isn’t you, it’s me! I know that you provide a valuable service to many of your users! How did anyone ever remember wish anyone else a happy birthday before you came around? Especially since the recent sneaky shift in the privacy standards, you make it easier than ever to stalk high school boyfriends and old coworkers! But this just isn’t working out. I’m sure you are going to make your next five million users (largely women between the ages of 55 and 70 apparently) really happy, what with all the posting about cats and grandchildren that your relationship will surely enable! You deserve someone who will appreciate you like they will, not just someone who is in the habit of being in your company. Trust me, this will be better for both of us in the long run.
But as any addict will tell you, deactivation is like taking a break but never really breaking up. Facebook is the bad news codependent boyfriend that will always take you back when you are feeling weak, the one who remembers every single petty detail of your relationship and plans to rub them in your face when you shuffle back with your tail between your legs. So good for you, S, for getting out before it was too late. Wish I could join you out there on the other side.
Photo again courtesy of the winsome M. Starik